


To make sense of the meaningless

by Neuqe



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: 2x01 related, Fluff, Inspired by that balcony scene, M/M, Parabatai feelings, but also tiny amount of angst, mentions of Jace, season 2 related, sort of spoilers for season 2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-17
Updated: 2016-12-17
Packaged: 2018-09-09 06:53:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8880172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Neuqe/pseuds/Neuqe
Summary: A one-shot about that balcony scene in the season 2 trailer





	

**Author's Note:**

> So in order for this to make sense I imagine that the scene from the trailer where Alec pulls his hand away from Magnus happens before the balcony scene.

Alec kept glancing up the huge apartment building and tried to decide whether he should enter the building.

Darkness had fallen hours ago, but the weather was surprisingly warm for a September evening.  The street was still well lid by the streetlights and pedestrians hurried past him.

It wasn’t an ideal weather for hours long walk but he didn’t want to return to the Institute. It was the sole reason for his walk, to escape the pressuring and suffocating atmosphere of the Institute.

His home was crowded with strange people who tried to convince him that they sincerely wanted to help Jace. Yet, they kept plotting ways to take him down if necessary.

He didn’t consider it as helping.

Their rescue operation started to remind more of a manhunt and Alec couldn’t take it anymore. He couldn’t stand there and listen how these people discussed about killing his parabatai.  He couldn’t listen to his mother who considered killing Jace as a valid solution to his situation. It made him sick even to think that his mother was willing to sacrifice Jace to protect their reputation and show loyalty to the Clave.

He needed to escape. Everything was happening at once and it was becoming overwhelming to deal with. He couldn’t control anything in his life, and it made him scared.

He could feel pain through their parabatai bond and it didn’t ease his worry at all. There were occasional stings of pain all over his body, which indicated the much worse pain his parabatai was enduring. His parabatai rune was still sore and hurting. The mere fact that he could feel emotions, anger, fear and solitude, that weren’t his own showed how upset Jace was as he rarely let any emotion through their bond.

He didn’t allow himself to think what would happen if Jace died. He could not imagine the amount of execrating pain. He could not deal with a part of himself dying.

He wanted to find Jace more than anything. It was his top priority but he didn’t know how to find him. Any of the traditional tracking methods seemed to fail and their bond could not endure another tracking.

He felt completely helpless.

Perhaps that was the major reason why he was standing in front of Magnus’ apartment building. He hadn’t intended to come there but it was where he found himself.

He wanted to go inside, yet he kept standing outside. It was not the first time he had been at Magnus’ place, but this time doubted whether he was allowed to be there. He wasn’t invited and he hadn’t notified Magnus in any way that he was coming over. Hell, he didn’t even know himself that he was coming.

The last time he had seen Magnus things hadn’t gone smoothly between them. It wasn’t Magnus’ fault but his. Magnus had only tried to help find Jace and comfort him, but Alec had pushed him away. He hadn’t been exactly nice about it either.

Alec felt guilty. He wasn’t sure how he always managed to mess things up. Magnus deserved better than this. But Alec couldn’t think any other place where to go.

The longer he stood on the street, the more pathetic he felt. He took a deep breath, trying to regain remaining bits of his courage, and walked up the flight of stairs.

Alec was about to press the doorbell but for his surprise found out that the door was unlocked. He kept staring at the door as if it held all the secrets of the universe. He tried to comprehend whether Magnus had magically lost all of his instinct of self-preservation or not. Perhaps, he just assumed that everyone was smart enough not to break in to High Warlock’s apartment.

Apparently, that didn’t include Alec as he opened the door and stepped in.

He could not shake off the feeling that he was crossing a boundary and trespassing. He felt as if he was an unwanted there and had no permission. As if he was invading Magnus’ personal space when he had given Alec all the space he required.

Magnus was obviously at home. The lights were on in multiple rooms and some jazz song was softly playing in the background.

When Alec arrived into an enormous room that served as a living room, he saw Magnus, and stopped in the middle of the room.

He was on the adjacent balcony in a middle of a workout routine. It seemed to be some type of yoga but Alec wasn’t sure. Magnus was moving a small ball of bright light between his hands.

The whole moment seemed oddly intimate and private. Alec knew that he had no right interrupt this moment, or even be there, because this was something that was not meant for others. Magnus had completely let his guard down, and he was invading his personal space. He was shirtless and looked strangely vulnerable.

He knew he should say something, probably apologize, but the words died in his throat. Magnus was still completely unaware of his presence.

He tried not to look and focus his gaze on the floor and on the curtains but he failed completely. He could not stop himself from staring.

His movements mesmerized him. His movement was controlled, beautiful and extremely graceful. It reminded Alec many of the hand movements Magnus did as he casted spells.

Magnus looked beautiful under the balcony lights. He had closed his eyes and seemed peaceful. Happiness radiated from him.

Alec was deep in his thoughts and didn’t even notice at first that Magnus had turned around, apparently for another move as his hands were above his head, and was staring right at him.

For a few seconds, a feeling of slight panic rose in Alec’s chest. He tried to speak, but the words would not come out. He opened his mouth and then abruptly closed it again.

“Alexander!” Magnus exclaimed without any sort of traces of accusation or anger.

“Hi,” Alec mumbled, and scratched back of his neck.

Magnus lowered his arms slowly.  He flashed a brilliant grin. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

“I-I don’t know,” Alec admitted with a slightly defeated voice.

A flash of worry crossed Magnus’ face, and Alec could feel how Magnus studied him with his gaze trying to determine whether he was alright.

Alec kept staring at the cobalt curtain instead.

“Who requires a reason anyway? Way too overrated,” Magnus declared with a wave of a hand.

He still seemed happy. It was different kind of happiness than before. It was now more visible but it was still genuine and not an act. Alec felt tiny bit less guilty when he noticed this. 

 Magnus walked next to the railing of the balcony and leaned to it.

“How long did you stand there?” He asked with slightly amused tone.

“I didn’t want to bother you,” Alec said, dodging the question.

“You would never,” Magnus said with a soft voice, as it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Alec looked back at Magnus again. He seemed content as he stood there, on the dimly lit balcony and the wind was playing with his hair. His smile was radiant.

Alec felt a sting of guilt for coming here to escape the Institute because he was merely dragging his issues with him and bursting Magnus’ bubble of happiness. Especially, after how he had treated him earlier. He had expected Magnus to be angry or at least upset. He should have been angry. Alec deserved that and somehow Magnus not being angry made him feel even worse.

“Like what you see?” Magnus chuckled.

“Uh-I-“ Alec realised he had been staring at him.

He felt as if his brain was freezing, and his mouth refused to cooperate with him to produce any sensible sentence.

Magnus laughed, but not unkindly. “Relax, I’m merely teasing you.”

He reached for a sleeveless hoodie, which hanged on the backrest of a garden chair and put it on. He turned around and watched the lively street below.

Alec walked up to him, leaned to the railing as well, and watched the horizon. He did not know what to say.

“Besides, now we’re even,” Magnus continued softly after a moment of silence, “I crashed your work-out session earlier. That was only fair.”

The corner of his mouth lifted up as he listened to Magnus, and he snorted. “I guess so.”

Another moment passed in silence. Both of them looked at the street below, which was full of life with pedestrians, multiple vehicles and lights. Alec was trying to come up with a way to explain his presence and apologize.

“Are you okay?” Magnus asked tenderly, breaking the silence again.

Alec exhaled deeply.  He was convinced there wasn’t a reply that could have covered what he was feeling.

“I don’t know,” he admitted.

“It’s okay not to be okay,” Magnus said simply. Yet, his voice was incredibly gentle, and Alec could feel how his walls were breaking down.

He wanted to tell Magnus everything. Even every single small detail. He wanted to tell how scared he was, how desperate and frustrated he was. He wanted to tell about the pain and worry. He wanted to apologize and he wanted to explain that he had not wanted to pull away, not like that.

However, he didn’t want to bother Magnus with his burdens. Magnus deserved better than this, better than him who did nothing else but complain about his issues and current shadowhunter crisis, always seeking for help and never giving anything in return. He had come unannounced and uninvited. He was not going to ruin Magnus’ night by complaining and offering lame excuses for his earlier behaviour.

“I should probably go,” Alec mumbled, still keeping his gaze on the ground.

He turned around, but did not move.

Magnus had placed his hand over his. It was barely touching, almost hoovering above, asking permission to touch.

Alec looked at their hands. He closed the extremely small distance between their hands.

“Don’t push me away when things get crazy.”

Magnus’ eyes were almost sorrow. His voice was incredibly soft, but it sounded almost desperate and raw emotion was exuding through. He kept tapping the edge of the balcony with his slender fingers as if he was nervous.

Alec didn’t comprehend why Magnus had any reason to be nervous in this situation, but eventually he connected the dots in his head.

Alec had done it once already. Pushed him away when things had become too much and refused his help. He was afraid Alec would reject him again by shutting him out. He already had started it again earlier by behaving like an idiot. Alec could physically feel a sting of guilt in his chest.

Alec let out a breath he did not realise he had been holding.

“I try not to, okay? I’m just not sure if I know how,” he admitted quietly.

Magnus squeezed his hand encouragingly. “You’ll learn. We both will learn,” he assured gently.

Alec squeezed his eyes shut. “I’m sorry about earlier. I- I didn’t mean it like that. Not that harshly.”

“You are under lot of stress. It’s understandable.”

Alec opened his eyes and shook his head firmly. “But it doesn’t justify it. It’s no excuse to treat you like that.”

Magnus’ smile was affectionate. “Maybe so, but I accept your apology if it makes you feel any better.”

“Maybe a bit.”

“Do you want to now tell me what is bothering you?” Magnus asked. His tone was not pressuring.

“Do you really wanna know?” He asked doubtfully.

“Of course,” he said with a strong conviction, “and I’m an excellent listener.”

Alec offered a tiny and quick smile.

“I’m worried about Jace. He isn’t okay. I can feel his pain and emotions through the bond. It’s this constant reminder that he is in danger and I cannot do anything about it. I feel so helpless,” Alec took a deep breath. “Reinforcements from Idris arrived but they aren’t really helping. Their first priority is to stop Valentine by any means necessary. They don’t care about Jace. They are ready to kill him.”

Alec shook his head. “I cannot let that happen. I cannot fail in the one thing I’m supposed to do. I’ve to protect him, he’s my parabatai. But yet, I feel like I’m failing him.” His voice sounded raw even to his own ears.

Magnus touched gently Alec’s arm. “You’re not failing anyone. You are doing your best in horrible circumstances. No one is expecting anything more from you,” his voice was almost a whisper.

Alec closed his eyes.

“I couldn’t stay there anymore. That’s how I ended up here--the door was open and I guess I just needed this,” Alec said and helplessly made a vague gesture with his hand, “I’m sorry.”

Magnus took Alec’s other hand into his hand as well.

“There’s nothing to apologize for, darling, and besides, the door was locked. It’s open for those who I want to enter, otherwise it’s locked.”

“Oh.”

Alec was too astounded to say anything else.  He was _wanted._ A small wave of warmth spread in his chest.

“I lost the key decades ago, magic is much more convenient,” he explained.

“I’m--honoured,” Alec said with failed attempt to find a word that would have been more suitable.

Magnus reached to straighten the collar of his jacket. His touch was light and gentle. Alec tried to fight against his smile but failed completely.

Magnus’ smile was warm. “So, please don’t worry about it. I’m only glad if my apartment can provide you some type of a sanctuary.”

“I think it has more to do with you than with the flat,” Alec blurted out.

Magnus’ surprised and enamoured smile was enough for Alec not to regret saying it.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm back with Malec fics! I have had this in my wip folder since the trailer for season 2 was published but for some reason I never finished it. Now that I saw the behind the scenes video about Magnus' place where the director talked about the balcony scene I got excited about it again. Also, I realised that the scene where Magnus straighten the collar of Alec's jacket happens during the balcony scene and I had to write it. Anyways, the title is from "Rearrange" by Biffy Clyro.


End file.
